moriah
I gave birth to my first child, a beautiful daughter named Moriah Serene, on March 4, 2008. She was still born. And yes, everything was very “still” my husband and I found out the prognosis of our daughter two weeks before we were “due” to have her. I held her within my womb for six days without a heartbeat until I gave birth to my beautiful girl, at my midwife's home.
As she was born, we discovered that the cord was wrapped around her neck twice and her arm was caught up in it as well. It was then that I made a promise to my Moriah Serene: I promised her that I would never shy away from God.
Because I have to be where she is! I want to see her, and kiss her, and hug her and smell her and hear her voice, and see her staring back at me. I know she is with Jesus. And one day I will go to her and I will see her alive.
So I clung to the Lord. When your life is shattered into uncountable pieces that can only be swept up, you have no place to go other than Gods hands.
My heart was so broken; and yet at the moment of birth, I was so proud and empowered by bringing my sweet girl into this world. I held her, kissed her and handed her over to my husband. I told him, “ this is the last gift I get to give you, I got to hold her for nine months, but now, you only get a few hours with her.” He held her for most of the time until he let five other family members do the same. We brought her home that same day and we held her together lying in our bed weeping, sobbing, until it was time that we had to make the decision to let her go and be placed in a box for burial.
My own husband and father-in-law dug a hole on our property where Moriah is buried. What kind of strength does it take to be able to do that? We have since planted a beautiful garden all around her. I cried every single day for a year. My heart was shattered.
I shared with my husband Steven that I didn’t know how to make this pain go away, but by only having another baby. I knew that having another baby would not be Moriah #2 or a replacement baby; but it would be a brand new child with a different name and face. We were pregnant four months after having Moriah. Then a miscarriage happen at 3 1/2 weeks along. Once again I was left empty. An empty womb, empty arms, an empty house and an empty car seat with the loudest silence throughout our home.
Now, even though I knew I was being held up by God, I couldn’t seem to talk to him for a while. I was so badly hurt and full of sorrow and anger, I didn’t know what would come out of my mouth if I talked to him. He is Holy and I am not. But the Lord met me with such compassion in my darkness, He spoke to me with love and gentleness and I found myself finally screaming through tears at him. I actually yelled at him saying, “you’re not a mother, you don’t understand, you don’t know what this feels like!” God answered me right there! I heard his voice so tender yet firm, say, “I am the Father of all; I do know what it feels like to lose a child, I gave up my very own…for you.”
I burst into even more uncontrollable tears and I was so humbled and realized that God is truly a relatable God. He does know how I feel. I am His child and He longs to comfort me and He wants me to share my heart with Him.
Nineteen months after having Moriah, I had another peaceful water birth at my midwife's home on October 6, 2009. I gave birth to our second daughter Serena Faith. Whom we called Serena Beana or sometimes just Beana. We chose to name her after her sister, and also, when you only have faith left to stand on, then that's what you stand on, believing that you will not have the same outcome as the time before.
As she was born, we discovered that the cord was wrapped around her neck twice and her arm was caught up in it as well. It was then that I made a promise to my Moriah Serene: I promised her that I would never shy away from God.
Because I have to be where she is! I want to see her, and kiss her, and hug her and smell her and hear her voice, and see her staring back at me. I know she is with Jesus. And one day I will go to her and I will see her alive.
So I clung to the Lord. When your life is shattered into uncountable pieces that can only be swept up, you have no place to go other than Gods hands.
My heart was so broken; and yet at the moment of birth, I was so proud and empowered by bringing my sweet girl into this world. I held her, kissed her and handed her over to my husband. I told him, “ this is the last gift I get to give you, I got to hold her for nine months, but now, you only get a few hours with her.” He held her for most of the time until he let five other family members do the same. We brought her home that same day and we held her together lying in our bed weeping, sobbing, until it was time that we had to make the decision to let her go and be placed in a box for burial.
My own husband and father-in-law dug a hole on our property where Moriah is buried. What kind of strength does it take to be able to do that? We have since planted a beautiful garden all around her. I cried every single day for a year. My heart was shattered.
I shared with my husband Steven that I didn’t know how to make this pain go away, but by only having another baby. I knew that having another baby would not be Moriah #2 or a replacement baby; but it would be a brand new child with a different name and face. We were pregnant four months after having Moriah. Then a miscarriage happen at 3 1/2 weeks along. Once again I was left empty. An empty womb, empty arms, an empty house and an empty car seat with the loudest silence throughout our home.
Now, even though I knew I was being held up by God, I couldn’t seem to talk to him for a while. I was so badly hurt and full of sorrow and anger, I didn’t know what would come out of my mouth if I talked to him. He is Holy and I am not. But the Lord met me with such compassion in my darkness, He spoke to me with love and gentleness and I found myself finally screaming through tears at him. I actually yelled at him saying, “you’re not a mother, you don’t understand, you don’t know what this feels like!” God answered me right there! I heard his voice so tender yet firm, say, “I am the Father of all; I do know what it feels like to lose a child, I gave up my very own…for you.”
I burst into even more uncontrollable tears and I was so humbled and realized that God is truly a relatable God. He does know how I feel. I am His child and He longs to comfort me and He wants me to share my heart with Him.
Nineteen months after having Moriah, I had another peaceful water birth at my midwife's home on October 6, 2009. I gave birth to our second daughter Serena Faith. Whom we called Serena Beana or sometimes just Beana. We chose to name her after her sister, and also, when you only have faith left to stand on, then that's what you stand on, believing that you will not have the same outcome as the time before.
